February 2012
4 posts
Real Talk Jacobi
“I will tell them. I will tell these boys, I am a woman with three-ish jobs, two internships, and a (glances at cup of whiskey in hand) … taste for life.”
“Social media blogging is like, there are just a few strands of me in this hairbrush of bullshit.”
“I always think I want to live with these people, and then it turns out they want to decorate the apartment...
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Preparing for six months in Missouri
Co-worker: The major difference is the Hilton has an omelette bar ...
me: oh man
me: what's the yogurt scene like at the Residence Inn
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Scrapbooking for Freaks
It started with a 5 AM email from my father. “It does not sound politically correct but I have been there and saw it with my own eyes. So really think this over.” He signed it with a “Love” and below it, the default signature of his name and company. Even the printout was perfect, the little icon of a globe in the upper left-hand corner and the font an outdated Courier New....
January 2012
6 posts
How to Host the Perfect Dinner Party
1) Everyone loves games! “Let’s name all the presidents,” suggest with a crazed gleam in your eye. Don’t forget about Coolidge! Or the 22 others you forgot!
2) Choose your music carefully. Try turning off all the lights and playing Tyler, the Creator’s “Bastard” so that everyone can understand how weird for you it was to drive through Washington, DC at 2...
Pop Quiz!
You have been on the same project in backwater American towns with the same girl (on right) for too long when you:
A) Can accurately guess what furniture she bought in the Restoration Hardware catalog last weekend, without her even pointing it out first.
B) Are now attending her wedding next month. (“It’s going to be mostly Korean family,” she said apologetically, “but...
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Impressed with an entire scene in Young Adult dedicated to Charlize Theron’s character putting away all her things in a hotel room. I essentially live in hotels and always request two queen beds so I can use one as a catcher’s mitt for all of my shit and the other as my sleeping bed. And also because “Two Queens” sounds like the title of a hilarious sitcom about two drag...
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December 2011
9 posts
“Someone brought me a bottle of tequila once. I was like, “Do I look like I drink...”
– Zooey Deschanel only drinks tweequila
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Rolled up to the holiday party last night
as in, I had a rolling suitcase with me.
Alain Mikli-isms
On Costco: “I don’t have the card! Once I tried to go in, but they told me, ‘No, you don’t have the card!’”
“I find it very difficult to talk about how this happened. It’s very difficult to talk about the inspiration. I don’t really know how or why this came out. […] I cannot explain it logically at all.”
“I have 80 cars...
November 2011
10 posts
“Threats do not threaten me. It’s the other way around.”
– Conchita Morales, Ombudsman of the Philippines
The long and short of it: my aesthetic, as of recent, has been slowly and infallibly careening into that of a mid-career Margaret Thatcher in sweatpants.
WatchLow-FODMAPS diet in the Wall Street Journal today! Shout out to winter 2010, ladiez and gents if you don’t ever want to go out to eat again and you’ve got crippling stomach problems that make you burp and not eat and feel lil alien claws scratching you from the inside out 24 hrs/day I highly recommend it. Or or or go on a two month vacation with no real obligations, there’s a...
The city that never sleeps (out of discomfort)
Hey guys! Do you like my room? The rent costs more than all the bedrooms combined from my last apartment. Do you like my light fixtures? They’re from the CVS Christmas Collection. Do you like my bed? It deflates gently overnight. Do you like my sherpa blanket? I bought it today because I’m sick of sleeping in my coat. I think I’ve finally “made it in the Big...
True affection
On Saturday night I tagged along to a tiny and very cute Halloween party in Brooklyn. I barged in on a conversation about HouseHunters between two women, the thirty-ish couple who lived downstairs. After an hour or so of yapping about myself, I discovered that they were one of my favorite bands of all time and said “OH MY GOD,” walked two feet away, turned in a 360 degree circle,...
“I had a whole vintage teacup collection that is now so hideous to me,” Ms. Koons...”
– All That Authenticity May be Getting Old
October 2011
9 posts
Yeah I have a thing, in Seattle, it's this...
Very nice neighborhood with some of the best shopping and dinning of all New york! I am moving to seattle so my friend andrew needs a new roommate. Andrew is an extremely talented musician and I had a great time living with him as well as living in this area.
“Nobody even fucking likes me. If I can’t make it in music, I’m going to throw myself into the Hudson,” said...
Drunk studying at the Caribbean hotel bar :/
Portrait of myself as Atlas on the learning curve
My favorite way to tamper feelings of inadequacy - blossomed during team dinners where we talk foreign affairs for two hours straight - is to read the entire Economist at breakfast the next mornng. I always embark on this journey by accidentally typing in theeconomist.com: a FrontPage-d Alan Greenspan fansite, a blatantly petulant domain-hog, a little extra motivation to seize the title of...
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The adult version of realizing all your friends...
is realizing that everything you don’t understand is actually just about oil. A bit heartbroken, a bit that anti-corruption is always corrupt, a bit generalizing, a bit hell I’ll put this all in my autobiography once I can weather the slander charges.
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Accidentally booked my Thanksgiving trip for only one day and sent the confirmation to family. It took less than an hour for everyone to respond. “Quit your job!” my sister wrote. “I’ll pack you some stuffing in a Tupperware for your plane ride home,” my mom promised. The best, however, was my dad’s text directly to my work phone: “Is that really what you want?”
“What the hell are these people doing? I’m sorry, but a 50-year-old Asian man...”
– ThoughtCatalog (because I work at an accounting firm & had a meeting with the World Bank this past Monday and am totally sucking on the fashion front.)
All I Do Is Win
There is exactly one babe boy I’m feelin’ (from afar) in Port-au-Prince and he just walked into the hotel gym as I was listening to the Freakonomics podcast about suicide on speaker, in the middle of a crummy plank, my legs oozing blood from picking off all my mosquito bite scabs because I thought this was going to be my alone time.
September 2011
7 posts
Let's try it out
If someone told me the past month was all a dream right after I woke up from a super big ol’ nap I’d believe it for at least a week.
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A- ways from home
Turning 23 means signing, sealing, delivering (I’m yours!) the coda & credo you have been carefully assembling as a young adult. Look for the best in everybody, never let anyone intimidate you, work events have a two-drink cap, and if you ever feel overwhelmed you must picture yourself 30 years from now, sporting a silky floral pantsuit, running your own show, telling your frightened...
Is there anything sweeter than
somebody you just met trying to describe a buffet he or she really enjoyed?
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Yo self:
Stop trying to haggle down the price of a bagel at the deli whenever you get slightly tipsy. We all know that peanut butter shouldn’t be an extra $1.50 but you’re going to have to grapple with some harsh realities here in the big cit-ay.
August 2011
3 posts
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5 AM to ORD
The crusty Australian next to me on the computers leaned down to plug in his USB and brushed my arm with his dreadlocks. I can’t wait to not have the “things are different in different countries” conversation anymore. I think I learned a lot backpacking for two months, except for when I ran out of books and had to read Patrice Chaplin’s 1989 smash flop The Fame People...
July 2011
10 posts
“Are we dressing up tonight?” asked Melissa. “Sure,” I responded, putting on a shirt with a massive hole on the belly, a ketchup-stained skirt, and my flip flops from the Croatian grocery store. Gonna hit the town!*
*Go up to old men playing backgammon and say “Alibaba Kebab House? Where?”
I keep trying to write about everything that’s going perfectly on this trip even when it’s 4:30 AM and you have been dropped off by the night bus after a 8 hours of sedated sleep so you follow a strange man down to the Vardar Family Pension where Grandma Vardar leads the three of you to a room with two twin beds and says “Tourists go! You change! Push together now.” But I...